Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things we go through in life. No matter the circumstances, grief can be overwhelming, especially when someone passes away suddenly or at a young age. In this article, Fr. Jim O’Connell, MHM, reflects on how people cope with loss, drawing from his experiences in both Ireland and Kenya. He highlights how different cultures offer comfort and support to the grieving, often through presence, patience, and faith. While grief takes time, healing comes through waiting, being together, and trusting in God’s love. This article reminds us that even in our darkest moments, we are not alone.
Sooner or later, we all experience the loss of a loved one. It is never easy. Even the death of a parent or grandparent at a good age brings a great sense of separation and loss. It is much worse when tragedy strikes with the death of a young person from serious illness or in an accident. The shock of a sudden death in such circumstances leaves one coping with grief and pain that can last a lifetime. At such times family and close friends gather around to support and comfort the bereaved and in some way ease the pain. Thankfully, we do that well here in Ireland.
I found something similar in Kenya during my time there. In the rural area where I lived and worked tragedy was never far away from many families. Far too often, children and young adults die of cholera, typhoid, Waiting it out hand in hand 12 AIDS and other illnesses. The lack of proper healthcare facilities and medicines contributes to this. The people there have a way of coping with tragedy that involves a great sense of presence with each other, and they have a deep connection with the spiritual world. Their hearts and souls are engaged with the mystery of life and death. They have a capacity to be together and to wait and let a process take its course. You find this when you look more closely at their cultural and religious practices which help them to cope with dreadful suffering that is often like a long dark shadow that covers their lives.
When tragedy strikes people can hang around for days and weeks, doing very little, just being there with one another – waiting. They sit around the home of the family that has been struck by tragedy. They eat and drink and play music, especially the funeral drums, which can go on all night. Some people say that beating the drums is a way of keeping evil spirits at bay! There is little doubt that, with the insights they carry in their culture, they seem to realize that the wounds of loss and grief need lots of time for healing. They know there is no instant comfort. They also know that God can feel very distant at such times, and it can take time before they will feel the presence of God again. It will come, but it must be waited for. And they are good at doing just that. This comes from their culture, but it is also the Christian way.
We find a good description of the Christian approach in an article by Ronald Rolheiser – published in ‘The Irish Catholic’. He offers reflections on how one might best help people who are devastated by the sudden death of a family member in a senseless accident or any other kind of tragedy. He writes: “what is needed more than our words is our presence, our sharing in the helplessness and our sharing in the waiting. In the first hours and days that follow a tragedy, we don’t need to speak a lot, we simply need to be there.
Moreover, the words that we do speak need to honour how deep and resistant to consolation the wound is. They should not be an untimely balm – good medicine but bad timing. They must speak honestly to the senselessness of the situation and how disconsolate it leaves us. When we are in the middle of a storm, we shouldn’t pretend that the sun is shining, or indeed, that there is anything we can do to stop the storm. The task is to wait it out, together, hand in hand, offering each other the assurance that we aren’t alone. Waiting it out is precisely whatis required. This advice may sound harsh, but it imparts real hope rather than false optimism. What it tells us and draws us to is the fact that, right now, for this immediate time, this pain must be borne, however crushing. Consolation will come eventually, but it must be waited for.
We believe in life after death, in the resurrection, in the communion of saints, and in God’s infinite tenderness and mercy. Faith can be trusted. What it tells us is true. In the end, there is consolation. However, our God, it would seem, does not always save us from tragedy, but instead eventually redeems tragedy. In the end, no doubt, ‘all will be well’, but in the meantime, especially in those moments right after a tragedy, the consolation and peace of God must be waited for and we are meant to do that, hand in hand.”
So, in the Christian way and the traditional African way, being together, supporting and comforting each other, patiently waiting, is regarded as essential on the long dark road to recovery from a tragedy when a loved one dies at a young age of serious illness or is killed in a tragic accident – or worse still by committing suicide. Time can help and heal but the grief and loss often linger in one’s heart for years and perhaps for the rest of one’s life. But the heart does go on with the support of family, friends and neighbours, and with the comfort and consolation that comes from faith and hope in a God we have loved long since but may feel is absent following the tragedy. We believe that even in our darkest hour God is by our side, though we may only come to realise this later.
Republished from Saint Joseph’s Advocate Ireland. Originally published in Spring 2025 – Volume 65 No. 1
